icy

My nephew, Dustin makes a snow angel.

The backyard behind our cabin. Don't mind making it a permanent living.

Reminds me of a snowflake.

Still and quiet.

Nice to see real icicles (not christmas lights kind) along the edge of roofs.


Snow Life.

Cozy cabin living, waking up to a mountain view from the window, piping tea kettle noises, moscoto wine dinner, cousin bonding, foosball table entertainment, slipping & sliding on ice.

Just what I needed by the end of the year. Hopefully next time I can try to snowboard for the first time.

arcade fire

Put this song on repeat as I was on my way to the snowy mountains.

when I shower

droplets trickle down the skin
flesh boils as it seeps in liquid

close your eyes,
water can act like fire and burn
moist eyelids maneuver the speed of a penetrating glance of illusion
eyes open or closed
we customize our own imagination

cleanse away the outside particles,
particles of conformity
for it contains corruptness and selfishness
we are swarmed by filth delivering weakness
natural being remains
our inner beauty is locked within us
let it illuminate greater

a deep song is produced
by the rush of drops echoing in caved emptiness
enticed by the simple rhythm
we hum

blood runs smoothly
heart pounds heavily as water pounds the backbone
intimately rubbing palms against bare skin
feels so real
we are drawn to the traces of our actions
so closely intact with the body
the colors begin to vanish
steam rises and breathing becomes heavier

mug of decembre

It is the month of December and warm tea is my favorite companion of this season.
Drinking morning, day, and night. Love it that much.
Plus I got really sick of drinking coffee.

Tea gives me:
A. Warmth
B. S2 sensation (S2 - serenity & solidity)
C. Health benefits
D. Therapeutic and revitalizing blended flavors



On this rainy day, I was so adorned to have my new mug!
Bought it with my sister from CSULB's art gallery holiday sale.
Specially sculpted by an art teacher: Chris Miller.
And it is one-of-a-kind.

First sight of attraction was the leaf like texture.
Created depth by brush strokes.
Natural colors of milky green on the outside & olive green inside.
Creates peace & calmness by blends of earthy colors.
And the handle is shaped like an ear.

Perfect mug of decembre.

A day spent in a gallery

As I patiently waited for a customer to set foot inside the glass doors of the gallery, I sat down on the receptionist table and read my book.

No internet (wasn't working)

Just me, my book, and cup of tea in a lonely minimalist art gallery.
All day.
The object was to try and sell art.

The day consisted of circling the gallery about 10 times gazing up and down each work, stepping outside for fresh air every 2 hours, took about 4 trips to the bathroom, read 7 chapters of my book, 1 mail man came inside to drop off a package, 1 trumpet player came inside and gave me his business card, took 3 pictures (above), and 0 customers.

Then, I met an artist from Spain name Lola Del Fresno.

She is a well-known and recognized artist.
Her work is displayed in the gallery & it was my job to help sell her work.

We spoke.

She shared her condition as being an artist. She strives for a life in the most passionate sense. Everyday she visits this gallery, hoping a customer will be captivated by her work and buy it. Unfortunately business is slow in this economy and many people cannot afford to buy art. Hurts to say but buying a $1,000 painting would be the last item on everyone's list.

Lola is also an art teacher. She shared pictures of her current student's work. They were only 9 & 14 years old. Astonishing. She tells all her students to always start with a large size canvas because in the beginning of your work, you want to have no limitation in to what you are capable of creating. From there, the process becomes easier. Your mind opens and becomes available for the strongest thoughts and emotions coming from within yourself.

By the end of the day I sold 0 artwork. Still had 0 customers. 0 professional skill experience I can include in my resume. 0 payment from the 6 hour shift. The goal I expected for myself & the purpose of working in the gallery was not accomplished.

Yet, I still felt accomplished and satisfied. That day turned out more useful then what I thought it would be.

My heart was uplifted.
My soul was awakened.
An epiphany dawned on me.
Ah! I felt so...inspired.

Aware that I left the gallery with no secure benefits (money or a job title) didn't generate me to feel guilt, anxiety, or ambition. But I experienced a great value in being unproductive. In result, I have come to appreciate the teachings in blissful ignorance. We are always told to be fully conscious but in all that effort leads to self-consciousness, which merely turns into destroying our own self with anxiety and depression. Slowly learning to adjust to changes of its upside downs and inside outs takes great strength.

In result, I am discovering how to live with little consciousness.

paradise falls

Thousand Oaks was the city.
Gust of wind blowing the autumn colored leaves in the air.
Warmth tint of sun rays beam through rows of trees.
Hills were a replica of nevada canyons. Rocky.
Another adventurous journey with Bvera & Adam.

Autumn is a beautiful season.

on top of mount fountain bliss

Nothing gets better then this: one's soul deeply connected with nature's presence.

Yes, our land is beautiful. Yes, it's an uplifting sensation to be on top of a mountain. And yes, the challenging journey of climbing the burly trail is worth the struggles.

The ability to strive and conquer is a treat but the most rewarding prize is the opportunity to gaze at our gracious vast land. Filled with gratefulness and joy. I am proud to say 'this is my land which I live in'.My mind eases in to clarity and lightness. My mood settles in like calm water {flowing yet still}. Time freezes when I'm in touch with my mother land. I am much happier.

The adventure is priceless.

p.s. thanks to my dear friend Adam Avillar for the snapshots from his vintage polaroid film camera. Amazing.

inspired from my blood

It was fascinating to discover my grandmother's old photos when she was a young lady. The photograph presents her graceful stance, captivating beauty, and elegant style. She sure does love stripes. I love you lola.

a. somebody

Anton Corbijn.

An artist blessed with the greatest gifts in life. I want to dissect his thoughts and emotions. The action he produces in his work is an amazing display of endurance and passion. Today, I was stuck reading his personal entries. Anton's presentation is monumental but the feeling I get from his work is personal. The self-portrait below is from the book 'a. somebody, strijen, holland' dressed as Hendrix. {56 pages - 43 plates in colour and black/white} The book contains self-portraits of him dressed like deceased musicians at various locations in the village. The location shows the environment where he grew up in and have influenced his early compositions.

'You can see the despair of me wanting to be part of that exciting world much more - the despair of me wanting to be somebody. It is both serious and fun to see me as hendrix, joplin, marley, lennon, bolan etc.'

His words attract my attention {From 'Asked and Answered' interview article from NY times T magazine}:

'I have never understood models. I find it really hard to find beauty in that or to discover beauty because the beauty was so obvious. I always found it more interesting to discover beauty.'

Thick Strokes

Jan Yoors
'Yoors life reads like a magic-realist novel.'
He was a suspicious outsider who ran away with gypsies to photograph the cultures of America to Europe. He left behind a rich body of work.

If it takes to get there then...

In today's world of fashion

I came across reading a full-interview article from Style.com with Lanvin's designer Alber Elbaz. I am all about it.

“I think the problem is that we all feel we have too many [fashion shows]. I think this is the major problem that we are all feeling and experiencing. And I always say that doing a collection is almost like writing a book or making a movie, and I don’t know any other industry that can produce six movies a year by the same director. That’s the thing. You cannot write six books a year. You cannot produce six movies. You can’t do six collections a year. And I think this is actually what is making fashion be the way it is today. I know a lot of people complain that there is not enough change and that fashion in the past was much more creative than today, and I think a big part of this phenomenon is that we don’t have the time to think, we don’t have the time to project, we don’t have the time to digest. I’m not talking about, like, “Oh, we need to travel for inspiration,” because I do in fact believe that the best traveling you do is from your couch while you eat potato chips. But I think we just need the time to think and to look at it again and to have another perspective.

When I go out sometimes to this kind of fashion event and I see other designers, I see that one of them has a pain in the back and the other one has a migraine and the third one is exhausted, because we are going through this process that is endless. AND I THINK THAT TODAY EDITORS ARE FEELING THE SAME WAY, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO TRAVEL THE WORLD SEASON AFTER SEASON AND JUST SEE AND WRITE THE REVIEWS IN A TAXI WHERE THEY DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT. Whatever you see today is maybe not what you really feel tomorrow. You just have to see and shoot. And I think buyers are going through the same thing, because there was a time when they used to be staying also in the store, not just looking at computers and numbers. When you go to the doctor, you don’t want the doctor to look only at the computer, you want the doctor to look at you. And I think the buyers used to be also on the floor, looking at the customer, seeing the merchandise and how it works on the floor or doesn’t. And today they are just traveling from one collection to another, from a pre-collection in New York to a pre-collection in Paris, and it’s endless. And I do feel there is this kind of extreme fatigue that everyone is talking about and there is a need for a change.”

Run away to a far...very far place

Running away seems to be a pretentious fantasy we all have in mind.

Dream to float

Reality seems to be dry and monotonous at times. When I want to escape from reality, I sleep and dream. In my dream, I dive into a whirlwind pool. Swim to explore a journey which helps elevate me into the dream world. Water flows in motion. It takes you to different directions. In my dreams, I float underwater in great silence.

Let it spill out...

If a forest had a galaxy rainbow with only two colors it would be orange and blue. So that men can make it their playground by sliding up and down the colorful trail. If a forest had models living there, they will wear the most beautiful flowers on their hair. If a forest had striped pants wondering around, they will be hiding in each corners. When wild imaginations spill out it conjures up an interesting world.

Tis' the season for raining pumpkins

Our weather has been so playful with us. Psychedelic colored sunsets, high-exposed sunrises, and then a transition to the dark clouds. In result to this combination, it feels like the weather for Fall should be declared as the raining pumpkins season. As I made this collage, the weather was the only inspiration I had in my head. So why not make it raining pumpkins?

unexpected juxtaposition

When I'm not holding a paint brush or too lazy to clean up the mess, I get on my laptop and create collages. I have numerous amount of inspiring photos saved in my photo library. I want to be earth friendly. And again, want easy clean up. So it came to the conclusion that I find joy in creating collages on photoshop. How nerdy right? Don't care. The many different color effects fascinate me. I feel complete when finding the right balance. Too many possibilities run wild recreating a photograph. Nothing has to make sense, it's just unexpected but it's compelling.

p.s. more to come...

The true meaning of beauty

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
– Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Ravishing

Holden has gotten a hold on me. This song is an enchantment that moves my body to sway back and forth, gliding my fingertips as the rhythm goes, and close my eyes. I feel it.

Uncovering long forgotten gems

I love discovering photographs. Especially photos that are as old as your grandparents or even great grandparents.

Work Space

Ever since I graduated from school, I've been sloppy and indecisive. The first thing that comes in mind is the word: work. Ponder and evaluate, I will not be in school anytime soon since I am going to start my full-time internship which will consist of writing about media, clothes, and celebrities. Not my whole cup of tea subject but I do enjoy digging deep into things that are a different interest to me because I've learned that doing things we don't really like or that are foreign to us makes things much more valuable and it can transform us to a higher self, and everything is not as predictable as we may think. Ernest Hemingway had created a sanctuary of a work space, his important value was that he wanted a place where it will allow him to pull out his strongest and most greatest thoughts and to come up with a work he can simply understand and that will intrigue humans to a interesting state of mind. Now I should probably find an enchanting place to do my work.

mind tricks

Lately I haven't been blogging, not because I've been too busy or don't have the time. The main reason is because my mind and body just hasn't had the energy to fuel whatever it is I want to get done. Lately, I just haven't had an aura of motivation or drive. Maybe it's because I am what you call a 'lost' or 'confused' soul, and I will admit it. If you were to ask my shadow or 'guardian angel' to describe how I am, they will tell you I'm a person that cannot be explained in the right manner, the direction I am taking has too many detours and delays. I'm not delusional or an idiot and i'm not trying to lower myself as a person, I'm just trying to be honest with myself. No wonder why people like to lie...being honest or exposing the truth can be a bit of a whirlwind. But the whirlwind of truth has taken me to many different states of mind, maybe I do like this confusing life of mine because I make it that way. Series of events that have occurred in my life would be so inconsiderately passive and with that effecting my thoughts and actions it all results to building my foundation as growing up. The ground which I am standing on right now may not be solid, but just like any other imperfect roads and concrete in this realistic world, there are cracks, and bumps, and even holes. Maybe my ground has more of those imperfect traits then others, and yet mine may have less. Back and forth, is what it feels like, the 'pendulum swing' as what one of my teachers would describe the history of life, our lives are subject to restoring force due to gravity and back to the equilibrium position, a time for one complete cycle, a left swing, then to the right. Steadiness and consistency can only last so long, changes and extrication always remains within this world. At least that's how I've experienced my living existence in this life, the only preparation we must get ready for is what's next?

Current

Currently I have been flipping through pages of magazines, gazing and admiring fashion editorials, exploring fascinating design books, and of course reading philosophical books that has kept me highly entertained, provoked thoughts, and is genuinely helping myself live through our society. The book is called Status Anxiety by an English author Alain de Botton. He is one of my favorite authors in this modern century, besides Emerson, Morse, and Hunt, his style of reasoning and description has taken such a deep grasp in my mind and heart, this book has significantly taught me many attributes of self and others. Basically Botton had sectioned this book into different segments of categories. The first part are causes-love, expectation, meritocracy, snobbery, and dependence. Then the second part are solutions-philosophy, art, politics, religion, and bohemia. All these elements reveal the views of the universal anxiety that rarely gets mentioned directly, and basically an anxiety about what others think of us. It's so important to realize that us beings are created in a natural way to feel and think of how were viewed, what actions we take and recognize. Whether we're judged a success or failure, a winner or a loser, our life is revolved around the center of status anxiety. Botton examines origins of status anxiety- where our worries come from and what? evolution has effected our overall thoughts and feelings. We learn from philosophers, artists, bohemians, and nonetheless ourselves. If I had to reference a book that will help get a better understanding of where status anxiety comes from, this book ingeniously breaks down the barriers of how we can surmount the anxiety in our lives.

Here is one of my favorite paragraphs from the first chapter of Causes-I.Lovelessness:

5.
"The attentions of others matter to us because we are afflicted by a cogenital uncertainty as to our own value, as a result of which affliction we tend to allow others' appraisals to play a determining role in how we see ourselves. Our sense of identity is held captive by the judgemnts of those we live among...In an ideal world, we would be more impermeable. We would be unshaken whether we were ignored or noticed, admired or ridiculed. If we had carried a fair assessment of our strengths and decided upon our value, another's suggestion that we were inconsequential would not wound us. We would know our worth. Instead we each appear to hold within ourselves a range of divergent views as to our native qualities...Our "ego" or self-conception could be pictured as a leaking balloon, forever requiring the helium of external love to remain inflated, and ever vulnerable to the smallest pinpricks of neglect. There is something at once sobering and absurd in the extent to which we are lifted by the attentions of others and sunk by their disregard."

obsessed with these threads

must get away from this place

I can't help but stare outside the window and dream of a place of humbleness, tranquility, and freedom. I know i'm suppose to be working on my projects but, i can't help but look through pictures of my dream locations, my dream home, a place where i can just dream all day and keep my head in the clouds all day. If i had a second home that was far off to the middle of the beautiful nowhere, my days would consist of morning coffee outside with drags of cigarettes to stimulate my heavy feelings, have my future bulldog to take on long walks, explore swimming holes and magical trails, home cooked dinners to pair with an exquisite dessert, running to the mini bridge that caves over the trickling water stream, a nice gentlemen to play the guitar next to the cozy fireplace as i sip my glass of white wine, antiquing, and a soothing warm bath surrounded by tea lit candles...otherwise known as my fascinating relaxation... that's all i ever want. I gotta get away.

breath in the future, breath out the past

The most valuable part of our lives are collective memories. Social beings want to cherish every aspect of their lives. The closest people in our lives greatly impact our surroundings. They come and go, series of events pass us by as quickly as the heart beats. Sometimes we forget. Sometimes it's unconscious. Memories are meant to mold us into the way we are, and no matter how much we want to forget all the negative experiences we had in the past or whether how much we want to maintain the happiness we have constantly; all of it just meant it happened to us for a reason. So before we think when it's gone, it's gone for good. Let's savor the moments as long as it lasts and put it back piece by piece. Breath in the future, and breath out the past because when we move on it must be for the good.

can you handle the challenge?

As days pass by, as we leisurely live our passive lives things just seem to come and go. The beauty of life is about the challenge. I believe us human beings were put on this planet earth for a reason and that is, 'can we handle our lives?' we've been living our whole lives to face challenges and choices. What we choose to challenge ourselves each day helps us grow as individuals, when we come across difficult choices or hardship we always create a mentality of what can make our lives a much better place.
Weak or strong, bold or discouraged, each and everyone of us handles a contradicting decision. When you encounter a problem we feel weak and lost to even try to handle what can come next, it just builds and builds until we feel there's no more energy left from us to move along. But that's the challenge of life, we need to learn to carry ourselves throughout the journey. We create roads that will continue to move forward and to try and stay on that path.
We may not gear towards the right way but there's always a chance that will come, God gives everyone a gift, and we are just destined to have opportunities to help ourselves catch that gift of happiness in life. When there's a down, then there's an up. Challenge is, can we find that? The only way to find that out is to seek our ways, were given brains to figure out which place will we allow ourselves to end up. I've faced so many different personalities, observed other people's actions, faced many hard and easy choices. And i learned when you surround yourself with the greatest gifts of life you have found, keep it. But no matter what challenges we face there will always be a wonderful and beautiful way to look at your surroundings and to always remember this:

There are people in this world who will introduce you to new and wonderful things.
FIND THEM


There are people in this world who will enjoy your company, and you will bring them joy.
MEET THEM


Then there are people in this world who will appreciate you for who you are, who will love and support you, will see past your flaws, and will not judge your mistakes.
KEEP THEM

PURPLE

wake up world

Heavenly Father,
Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

a couple more things i need in my wardrobe

i've always wanted a huge robe to take over my petite and tiny body, what better then a comfortable, mysterious, and authentic thornburg cloak i found from bona drag. i love how the cloak just falls above your knees, wraps around and fastens at the side neck. please give me this heavy weight wool fabric with the deep pockets.